Coming back to San Francisco after being gone for seven years, I’m very conscious of who I was then (before I moved). Ghosts of former times show up as I drive around town, or reconnect with people I haven’t seen in a while. Looking back in time always gives me an interesting perspective… It’s so much easier to look back and see that what I believed was going on isn’t necessarily what was happening.

The strongest experience I’m having is how I’ve been held by people. “Held” in the sense of “loved.” As I remember events I was involved in, deep conversations I’ve had with others, I can see how I used to hold myself at a distance. I’m reminded of something central to the soul healing work I’ve been studying for most of my life: so much of what we blame others for is just our own refusal to allow what we desire.

The whole idea that we project out into the world our unconscious beliefs and when they come back to us we experience that as suffering, is difficult to understand. We are all so used to blaming others for our suffering. But when we blame others, we place ourselves in the powerless role of Victim. It feels so satisfying though. HE hurt me, SHE betrayed me, THEY aren’t kind or understanding, IT’S THEIR FAULT I FEEL BAD! It’s so easy to blame and feels so right that the idea of healing by letting go of blame can feel like we’re not “standing up for ourselves.”

What I’ve come to understand is that Blame stops everything and freezes it in an iceburg of misunderstanding. It prevents us from realizing what’s really happening–we use others to convince ourselves we can’t have what we want.

The hardest thing, in all of existence, is to let ourselves have what we want. We are all masters at finding reasons why we should blame others. We are all masters at creating interference to what we want.

Deep down, for all of us sharing this experience of incarnation on the Pleasure Planet called Earth, we all want to be loved. The question to ask ourselves is not “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” it’s “How can I allow myself to receive the love that’s trying to come to me?”

Looking back, I see so many missed opportunities to feel that love. To literally feel the energy of love come into my heart chakra. It’s a humbling experience and also an encouraging one. My job isn’t to judge the shortcomings of others. My job is to allow myself to feel their love.

Here’s some wisdom from the Tao Te Ching:

The highest good is like water.
Water gives life to the ten thousand things and does not strive.
It flows in places men reject and so is like the Tao.

In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In ruling, be just.
In business, be competent.
In action, watch the timing.

No fight: No blame.

Re-post: Originally written for Build Altars May 2012

Image: Rachel Bone